The Hash Slinging Slasher
by Mishieru Hime
Summary: When Master Hand fires his guards, he makes the Smashers work as security guards at night. The first two people to start the new system are Link and Ganondorf. But when Ganondorf tells Link about the Hash Slinging Slasher, a Bikini Bottom tale, everything changed when it came to life. Will Link and Ganondorf survive the night, or will they be dead meat in the morning? One Shot.


It was a hot summer day at Smash Mansion, and Link was chilling out with his friends Marth, Ike, and Pit at the pool. They mostly swam in the pool, flirted with Zelda, Lyn, and Palutena while they were sunbathing, and shoving fully clothed Smashers and guests into the pool. But their fun was distracted by a loud message from Master Hand.

"Will Link and Ganondorf please report to Master Hand's room? That's Link and Ganondorf to Master Hand's room." said a female Wire Frame.

"Bye guys, I'll see you later!" said Link in a cheerful tone, as he went to his bag, pulled out his Magic Mirror and disappeared.

Meanwhile, Ganondorf was having a barbeque with the other villains. The villains munched on steak, hot dogs, and potato chips and washed them down with a gulp of cola. Ganondorf was about to go to the mansion to restock on meat when he got the same message that Link did.

"Sorry. Hey Bowser, will you please take over for me?" the Gerudo requested.

Without a word, Bowser ran into the nearby kitchen and returned back with some hot dogs and buns. Ganondorf went inside into the cool mansion. At the same time he reached the office, Link appeared, in his board shorts. His light blond hair was wet and reeked of chlorine, just like his skin and board shorts. Link's wet hands opened the brass doorknob and the two Triforce bearers went in.

Master Hand's giant fingers were tapping the polished desk in his office.

"Link and Ganondorf, please take a seat right there. And Link, dry up." instructed Master Hand. It tossed a dark blue towel with the Smash logo to Link. He caught the towel and dried himself before taking a seat.

"Hello gentlemen, how is your day?" asked Master Hand.

"Good."

"Fine."

"We are now introducing a new system of security guards because the ones we have suck. Twice a month, you will have to give up sleep and play the role as security guards in Smash Mansion. The shift starts from 10:00pm to 5:00 am. Don't worry; everyone else is doing it too, except for the children under 14. They need more sleep than us. The same with Pokémon, they don't know how to do their jobs properly." said Master Hand.

Master Hand gives them a marked calendar with the names of two Smashers that are mostly friends. Some Smashers were lucky (ex. Peach and Zelda) and got their friends as their partners, while most weren't so lucky (ex. Mr. Game & Watch and R.O.B). Link read the calendar and passed it to Ganondorf, who gave it back to Master Hand.

"The benefits are the privilege to wake up later than everyone else to compensate for your lost sleep, 150 Smash Dollars and the security room is stocked with free energy drinks, coffee, snacks, and sugary stuff." said Master Hand in a positive voice.

"I have a question. Why did you pair me with Ganondorf?" asked Link.

"Oh that. I noticed that both of you hated each other. I chose to pair rivals up to demonstrate teamwork among rivals and enemies. You're not the only pair dealing with that, I also paired up Kirby and Meta Knight together too!" laughed the white glove. "Now get some rest, you have a long shift ahead of you. Oh, and come back here to get your keys and uniforms. Remember to return it back to me after your shift, while you keep the uniforms."

It gave some candies to Link and Ganondorf before they went back to their rooms to take a nap.

* * *

**9:45 PM:**

Link returned back to Master Hand's office to claim his keys and uniform. Master Hand was not there, but he left a dark blue tunic with the Smash logo on the top right part of it and a matching cap on his desk. On top was a silver key attached to a chain. Link picked the security guard kit and went into the men's bathroom to change.

* * *

**9:55 PM:**

After changing, Link put on his Pegasus Boots and dashed to the entrance of the security camera room. He inserted the key, turned it and entered the room.

* * *

**10:00 PM:**

When Link entered the room, Ganondorf was watching the TV screens and filming the embarrassing footage to be used as blackmail (ex. Kirby raiding the fridge).

Unlike Link, he had a different uniform consisting of a light blue button-up shirt with the Smash logo badge on the top right corner of the shirt and a Smash Mansion patch on the sides, a striped blue necktie, black slacks, and black running shoes/boots. He also wore the same cape that he wore when he was on the Blue Team. The crown/headpiece that locked his hair into cornrows was gone, and his vermillion hair was wore long. The Gerudo grabbed the loudspeaker and yelled at it.

"KIRBY, GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM!"

"Piyo!" cried the pink puffball. It jumped up and hammered the camera.

"**CRACK!"**

The camera was destroyed, making the screen black out. Ganondorf wrote to Master Hand about Kirby's crime on a Post-It note. That camera will be coming out of Kirby's winnings.

* * *

**11:00 PM:**

Link was playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on his black and gold 3DS that he brought. At the time he was about to enter the boss room in Water Temple, his device was taken away from him, turned off and Link received a slap on the face. He looked above to see Ganondorf staring at him.

"Link, Master Hand did not pay us 100 Smash Dollars to play our handhelds!" yelled Ganondorf.

"But I was about to defeat Morpha!" sobbed Link.

"TOO BAD!"

"**SMACK!"**

"Ouch." cried Link while rubbing his slap mark.

* * *

**12: 00 AM:**

The two Triforce holders were still perky thanks to the restocked fridge full of coffee and energy drinks.

"So you're not afraid?" asked Ganondorf in a sarcastic tone.

"Of what?" replied Link. His eyes were glued to the televisions, watching Snake and Samus make out in the hallways.

"Well I am. Especially after." Ganondorf took a big gulp before speaking. "Well you know."

"What? What do I know?" asked Link.

"You don't remember? It was on the headlines of Nintendoland!" exaggerated Ganondorf. "The Hash Slinging Slasher."

"The Cash Ringing Slasher?" asked Link.

"No. The Hash Slinging Slasher."

"Tell me the story!" cried Link.

"Years ago in a foreign land called Bikini Bottom, there used to be a fry cook in a famous restaurant called the Krusty Krab." introduced Ganondorf.

" One night, he was cutting the patties and it happened."

"What? Vaati stole his bike" asked Link.

"No."

"Someone used a Final Smash on him?"

"No, he cut his own hand off! He replaced his hand with a rusty spatula! And then, he got hit by a bus! And…at his funeral, they fired him! It's Tuesday, right Link?" the Gerudo said.

"It is."

"Last year, a Wizzrobe teleported his grave to Nintendoland and every Tuesday night, he goes to a random restaurant to wreck his vengeance just like in Bikini Bottom. Multiple people all over the Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule, Lylat, Dreamland, and everywhere else had noticed his presence in their restaurants. Rarely, he would trespass into a land that isn't a restaurant. This is the first time he had arrived in Smashville." Ganondorf responded.

"But today's Tuesday night!" sobbed Link. His tears stained part of his tunic.

"Then he'll be coming."

"How do we know?" asked Link curiously.

"There are three signs that signals the arrival of the Hash Slinging Slasher!"

"First, the lights will flicker on and off."

"Next the phone will ring and nobody will be there. Well, if you have a caller ID, then the number will be blocked."

Link was nibbling his nails.

"Finally, the Hash Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of a bus and crosses the street without looking both ways." sneered Ganondorf. "BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY DEAD! Then, he taps the window with his spatula hand."

"NO!" Link cried.

"He opens the door."

Ganondorf mimes a person opening a door.

"He slowly approaches anyone awake…and do you want to know what he does next?"

"What?"

"Want to know?"

"What?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"What did he do?"

"HE GETS YOU!

Link screamed like a girl while Ganondorf was laughing. He was holding a black iPhone with the Gerudo logo on the case, filming the hero screaming like a girl.

"Link?"

Link was in the fetal position, crying.

"Link, I was…"

Link was crying louder.

"Link I was ju…Do I need to tell Zelda, Saria and all your girlfriends back in Hyrule about how much of a weakling you are right now?" screamed Ganondorf.

"I was…"

Link was still crying, and his tunic was dripping wet from his tears.

"LINK I WAS JUST JOKING!" yelled Ganondorf at the top of his lungs.

"What?" asked Link innocently.

"It's not true, nothing in the story is true!"

"It's not. No one in Nintendoland is willing to amputate someone's arm with a spatula. It was all a joke that I made."

* * *

**3:00 AM:**

Ganondorf was playing a Virtual Console game on Link's 3DS. He hears spooky noises and the taps of a keyboard, but he didn't know what it was. Link peeked from his custom green laptop.

"Isn't working the night shift fun? asked Link.

Ganondorf was startled, almost dropping the 3DS. Luckily, Link purchased a transparent case for it.

"We get paid to watch the TV screens while using our electronics!" said Link in a cheerful voice.

"Making us Smashers do the night shift. That's a stupid idea. Besides, why can't Master Hand get the Alloys to do the job and who would want to be up right now?"

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Ness was playing Pokémon SoulSilver on his white Nintendo DSi.

"Oh boy! A shiny Bidoof!"

He managed to weaken it, throw a Pokeball at it, and catch it.

* * *

**Back in the Security room:**

"Just look at this place, it's like the mansion in Luigi's Mansion!" the Gerudo complained.

The lights started to flicker on and off.

"Very funny, Young Link." said Ganondorf.

"And the lights will flicker on and off, just like that goddamn story."

"Ganondorf, why are you using a string to flicker the lights?" asked Link.

"Well I'm not doing it, it must be some guy who was rejected in Brawl doing that. Master Hand is too cheap to fix it, which means either poor R.O.B, Samus, or Snake have to fix it for us. And he buys us saunas and other luxuries instead of the necessities we need. Except for food."

Ganondorf's iPhone started playing his theme, which means someone was calling. He picked up the phone, but the caller ID was hidden. He answered it anyway.

"Hello? Hello? It's Ganondorf speaking. I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want. But I will find you, and I will kill you!"

"Nice try Ganondork, but I think you're taking this a little seriously." said Link with a straight face.

"The phone will ring, and nobody will be there!"

"Link, I'm not doing that to scare you." said Ganondorf while he ended the call. "First there was the lights. Next someone tried to call us but with no answer, and now our TVs are going blank?"

The televisions blacked out.

"Oh wait, Master Hand is too cheap to buy new TVs for the security room. But what was the third thing?" asked Ganondorf.

The TVs started working and at the entrance, a bus pulls up to the Smash Mansion entrance.

"Smashville's busses runs at this time?" Link questioned awkwardly.

"No!" cried Ganondorf.

A figure gets out of the bus and the bus pulls away. The only thing Link and Ganondorf could see was its shady figure.

"Well they're dropping someone off" Link casually replied.

"!" screamed Ganondorf.

"The Hash Slinging Slasher!" cried Link.

"At least you understand! We're screwed!" Ganondorf wept.

"I like the fact that you did the effort to cosplay as a ghostly fry cook, acted everything out just to entertain me! You must really like me!" Link cried again.

"Link, there are two conflicts with your theory about me. Firstly, I hate you and Zelda because you two tried to kill me thrice with the Master Sword and Light Arrows, and how could that be me when I'm here in the security camera room?" yelled Ganondorf angrily.

"!" screamed Link.

"THE HASH SLINGING SLASHER!" cried the two while they were clinging to each other for dear life.

"Never mind what I said and what I did to you in the past three games, I actually liked you outside the filming of the games." admitted Ganondorf. Meanwhile, they heard footsteps and a spatula tapping on the door. The two Triforce bearers also heard the lock being picked.

"Ganondorf, other than you, the Gerudos loved me for my skills." admitted Link.

"Huh?" asked Ganondorf. The door opened and instead of the Hash Slinging Slasher, it was just Ike with a spatula.

"I bought some kitchen utensils from the store since Master Hand wasn't replacing them. The spatula couldn't fit into my inventory so I just equipped it as my weapon. I tried to call you, but I hung up when the bus came." said Ike. He held up the spatula in his hand.

"Wait, if it's you on the phone, and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights?" asked Link.

The men looked outside of the mansion to see Sheik flickering the lights.

"Sheik!" cried the men.

Sheik just smiled and vanished.


End file.
